September, 2008

Life — 1 Comment
28
Sep 08

Race for the Cure…The Race for Suzanne

In September 2005 I ran my first 5k race ever.  It was the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure held in Newport Beach.  My friend Torrey convinced me to run it with her.  I was relatively new to running (I had started in June and ran my first 30 minutes without stopping in July) and I wasn’t at all confident I could do it when Torrey first suggested the idea in early August.   I took her advice (her enthusiasm was contagious) and signed up figuring I still had a good six weeks to get ready mentally.  In early September I hit a roadblock.  The guy I was dating at the time broke my heart, completely out of the blue.  I was devastated .  As race day got closer, I wasn’t at all sure I had the confidence to do it.  I had kept up with my running and, in fact, it had become great therapy for me.  I was religious with my running schedule so I knew my body could do it.  It was my spirit that wasn’t up to it.  But that little voice inside me that always knows what’s best for me told me to go for it–to push on and keep true to my commitment.  So I did.  And boy am I glad I did.  That day will always hold special meaning for me.  It was the day that the non-athletic girl who hated exercise all her life and had felt horrible about her body for most of her life got out there and ran over 3 miles, non stop, for the whole world to see.  And it was the day my broken spirit was able to rise above the fog I was living in to see the sunshine and to do what it knew was right for me.  When I crossed the finish line, Torrey was there waiting for me with a big smile and a hug.  I wouldn’t have done it without her and I couldn’t have done it that day without her. 

Today John and I volunteered at the 2008 Race for the Cure as part of Team UC Irvine.   Even though I didn’t race, I was happy to be there today and to enjoy a private celebration of that day back in 2005 when I ran The Race for Suzanne.

Life / Passions / Relationships — No Comments
20
Sep 08

Consciously Acknowledging What You Really Want

I remember when I finally admitted to myself that I wanted to be married.  It was a huge relief.  I felt free–like the secret was out and I was out from under the cloud of denial. 

A few days ago I printed out an article from a website I pop onto occassionally.  I got around to reading it last night.  The article, written by Steve Pavlina (www.stevepavlina.com) is, “The Courage to Live Consciously.”  There was an idea in his article that brought me back to that moment of truth.  He talks about taking “the difficult step of consciously acknowledging what you really want.”  If it’s something you’ve been denying, you must “move instead to a place where you admit, ‘I really do want this…’ Stop lying to yourself and pretending you don’t really want it.” 

This brought me right back to that moment when I admitted, “I really do want to be married.”  I wanted to be with a man who wanted to be married to me and I wanted all of the good things that marriage represented to me.  That conscious acknowledgement of wanting to be married was a long time in coming. 

After divorcing at the ripe old age of 29, I had no desire to rush back into marriage.  I did, however, rush right back into a relationship (not a wise move).  I was moving up in my career and doing very well, I was financially independent, I had a lot of friends and a very active social life and I had no plans for children. While I wanted to be in a relationship, I certainly didn’t “need” a man.  Marriage was way off the radar screen and that was just fine with my guy.  After the first 3-4 years together, thoughts about marriage started creeping in.  I kept pushing them off to the side.  I wasn’t a big deal, I had everything I wanted (so I thought) and pushing the issue would not bode well with my guy.  Why create an issue here?  Well, time went by and more and more I began to want more.  I wanted to commit myself to my partner.  I wanted him to commit to me.  I wanted to be part of a family, even if it was just two of us. I wanted to be a “legitimate” couple in the eyes of our society.  I wanted the security (false though it may be.)  I wanted the fantasy of a happy marriage.  I finally admitted all of that to myself–and it was so liberating to do so.  My guy wasn’t crazy about the idea and we spent the next few years in a tug of war.  That finally ended.  And boy am I glad it did.  Three years later I met John Patrick Teer, the man (and now husband!) of my dreams. I finally have what I wanted all along but was too afraid to admit.

I like this idea of conscious acknowledgment.  It worked well the first time around.  Now for round two–what else am I afraid to admit that I want?  I better be careful, I just might get that too!

Relationships / Work — 1 Comment
16
Sep 08

Boundaries. Chapter 2.

Today I had a great 3-hour session with my team of major gift officers.  The topic:  Creating a High Performance Culture.  Fun stuff, eh?  I brought in an executive coach who has been doing some work with the managers in our department (including me) to facilitate our discussion.  Our conversation boiled down to two main points:

1) we need to focus on our “core activity” which is generating 12 personal visits/month with right mix of potential donors, and

2) we need to create and protect time on our calendars to make the phone calls necessary to generate 12 visits pers month.

So, when the question was asked, “How do we create the time on our calendars to focus on our core activity?” I was shocked at what came next.  We had a 45 minute conversation about boundaries.  Yep, boundaries.  They are rearing their ugly head again.  Didn’t I just write about this topic a few days ago?  Somehow I think this is going to be a recurring theme for me. 

Without an exception, each of us talked about all the drains on our time and things we can do to protect our time so we can focus on our core activity.   At the conclusion of our discussion, we had come up with a series of “rules” we are going to put in place for our team.  Here they are:

1) Keep tabs on e-mail–it’s getting way out of hand.  Bundle e-mails together.  Only send an e-mail to a colleague if you have 3 items or more you need their input on.  If it can wait, hold off until you collect 3 items.

2) Respect closed doors.  If the doors is closed, do not knock, do not ask their assitant to interupt, do nothing to disturb them. 

3) Block off time on our calendars to focus on our core activity.  If that time is blocked off, do not disturb your colleague. 

4) Respect that we each have different preferences for communication.  If we don’t know, ask.  Do our best to work within those preferences.

5) Commit to focusing 3-5 hours/week on our core activity.  (The goal is to increase this allotment over time–in a perfect world, it would be 10 hours/week–5 for planning, 5 for phone calls.)

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  We have got to get good at setting them–for ourselves and for  how we interact with each other.  We all agreed that things have gotten out of hand in terms of interruptions and how “urgent” everything has become.  We all want answers to our questions NOW.  Is that really necessary?  Are we really doing life or death work?  I think not.  

We decided that at each of our bi-weekly meetings, we would review these rules and see how we were performing against them.  We also created a list of approximately 17 things that we can control (a key concept!) that will drive our performance.  At our next meeting we are going to prioritize this list then will focus on one topic each week at our meetings. 

So, once again, boundaries are the root of our issues.  I’ll report back on how we are doing.  (Speaking of which, I broke my new rule tonight.  And I’m only day 3 into my rules, that’s not good.  I spent more than 30 minutes on e-mail for work tonight.  I was in back-to-back meetings from 10-6:30 pm so I had to catch up or else tomorrow morning would have been swamped.  And what’s wrong with that?)

Family / Life / Relationships — No Comments
15
Sep 08

Everyone’s at home tonight

It’s a rare night when everyone is at home together at our house.  Between friends, football practice and jobs, we can barely pull together a family night these days.  So, I’m happy that we are all here tonight, safe and sound.  We’re each doing our own thing right now–Josh is in the shower, Alex is watching football and browsing on Myspace in the upstairs den, John’s watching a show on Botswana downstairs and I’m hanging out at the computer in the study upstairs.  All is right in the universe.  (Well, except for John being crabby which is highly unusual unless he’s starving, which he’s not right now.) 

I had no idea how much I would love being part of a family when I met John and we got serious about turning our relationship into a life-long commitment.  I had an idea I’d enjoy it (I got a good preview during our dating days) but I never could have dreamed just how much.  Sure, there are the typical frustrations like Josh leaving his stuff everywhere, Alex’s music that’s more screaming than music, nobody getting how to put dishes in the dishwasher and the general chaos that comes with having a house full of people and animals.  But on the other hand, there’s all the fun that comes with having teens around–they really are a crack up.  When we do manage to sit down to dinner together, the stories we get from the kids just kill me.  We end up busting up half the time.  I told John I think I laugh more with the kids than I do with our own friends and that’s nothing to sneeze at.  That constitutes a good time for me! 

I feel very lucky tht I am able to be a part of Alex and Josh’s lives.  It’s truly a privilege and I don’t take it for granted–I try not to, anyway.  I know they won’t be living here forever so it’s important to treasure these nights when everyone’s at home together. 

(Okay, the photo is of all of us at the airport in Paris in December 2007, during our 12 hour layover on the way to South Africa.  Yes, that’s Alex sitting in the luggage cart!)

Life / Work — No Comments
14
Sep 08

Boundaries

That is the paradox of a rule–though it limits you in some ways, it simultaneously empowers you in others.  The limit forces  you to efficiency. It helps make better use of what you have and gets you focused within a real space.    –Dr. Henry Cloud

I definitely have issues with boundaries, or a lack thereof. (But that’s a story for another time!)  I am reading a wonderful book which I highly recommend:  The One-Life Solution by Dr. Henry Cloud.  The subtitle is “Reclaim Your Personal Life While Achieving Greater Professional Success.”  The instant I read the cover of this book, I knew it was meant for me.  The premise of the book is that most of our problems in our personal life and in our professional life are due to a lack of sufficient boundaries.  I’m not going to go into the details here but I want to share one example of how this applies to my life and what I’m doing about it.

For the past almost three years, I’ve worked in two positions that have consumed my life at various points.  Currently I’m in a position with significant fundraising and management responsibility.  I could literally work 24/7 and not run out of work to do.  At times the boundary between work and my personal life has been very difficult to find.  I’ve made big improvements over time but I still have a long way to go–both in setting and maintaining boundaries and in feeling comfortable about my decision to do so. 

In The One-Life Solution, Dr. Cloud encourages his reader to “Follow the Misery and Make a Rule.”  In other words, if there is something in your life that is causing you misery, figure out what you need to do to get rid of the misery then set a non-negotiable rule for yourself that will allow you avoid the misery.  If there’s no misery, there’s no need to set a rule.  In thinking about my life, one area that causes me misery is working at home.  Every day I feel like I “should” be working at home.  I can remote into my work computer thereby giving me access to everything I could possibly need to work on an endless number of projects.  I will never have a clean plate or empty task list so there is something that always needs to be done.  John doesn’t mind if I work at home and I’m willing to put in extra hours to stay on top of things.  But I don’t really like working at home very much.  I tend to work almost late every night as it is and that feels like it should be enough. Plus, I have a full, rich life with many interests outside of work and I want to pursue those areas of my life as well.  I decided to follow Dr. Clouds advice and set some rules for working at home.  Here they are:

1. I will only allow myself to spend 30 minutes each night working at home–primarily checking e-mail–which must be complete by 9:30 pm.  I will continue to work late each evening (but not beyond 7 pm) so I can finish things up before coming home. (I would rather stay late and not have to work at home then come home earlier and have to put in some extra hours from home.)

2. I will not allow myself to work at all on Saturdays–nothing, zero, ziltch. Not even peeking at e-mail.

3. I will allow myself to work on Sunday mornings until noon.  At noon, the computer is off and work is done.  If I have a lot to do, I’ll get up early to do it.

I applied rules 2 and 3 this weekend.  I have to say, I didn’t feel guilty not working on Saturday because my rule gave me permission to take the day off (woo hoo!) and I knew I could work on Sunday if I needed to.  On Sunday I worked solid from 9:30 am - 12 pm and I got a huge amount of work done.  I really cranked through things because I knew I had a deadline and I wanted to maxmize my time “at work.” I was far more efficient that I usually am at home because the clock was ticking.  That was an interesting surprise.  It felt good to get some important things done and I was able to enjoy the rest of the day off knowing I’d made progress on some projects.

I’m going to give these new rules a try for the next several weeks and see how they work.  I’ll report back in a few weeks!

Life — No Comments
12
Sep 08

Vacation Day

How would I spend a day off during the work week?  How about sleeping until 8:15 am, eating breakfast in bed, reading until 10 am, enjoying lunch and with a girlfriend, browsing through a charming little bookstore and a taking a two-hour nap?  That was my day today!  John and I had planned a 3-day weekend out of town with some friends but our plans changed at the last minute.  I made the very wise decision to keep today as a vacation day for myself. 

The highlight of my day was lunch with Linda, a wonderful friend from graduate school.  We were two of the more “mature” women in our class and bonded right away when we realized we were among very few people who were really interested in expressing our ideas and opinions in class (and we have a lot of those!)  Linda is about as real as a person gets and our conversations are usually quite personal and meaningful.

Today was leisurely and fun.  No pressure to check the clock, no meetings and no e-mail.  I specifically told myself I didn’t have to do any chores today, so I didn’t.  The only thing that even came close was walking the dog.

I get a fair amount of vacation each year, much more than John.  I’m thinking one vacation day every three months for me to do anything I want to do might be a nice little something to look forward to.  Hmmm…okay, that would be mid-December for my next day off—perfect for a little holiday shopping spree! 

Life / Passions / Relationships — 2 Comments
10
Sep 08

Girls Night Out

Tonight I was reminded of why I love Girls Night Out so much!  It is incredibly hard to beat the company of smart, funny, real women who are willing to put themselves out there and share the stories of their lives (over a few good drinks!)  I spent the evening with two wonderful women—Christy and Laura—and we laughed our way through three hours in about 10 minutes.  No topic was off limits. (Christy’s doctor’s visit took the cake!  Or was it Laura’s dog and the closet door? Or fun at the pool with my long-ago neighbor?  Yikes! We just kept outdoing one another!)

 

The highlight of the evening for me was our conversation about running.  We each talked about our experiences of running and the mental and physical strength that comes along with pushing yourself and achieving a goal of running a race or just getting out there and going for 30 minutes.  We shared stories of races—our first, our fastest times, our challenges—and of what it is about running that we love (or loved in my case) and that we hate.  We were full of encouragement for each other and even toasted Christy on her 9:58 minute miles for her last half marathon—VERY impressive!  I am actually inspired to get my butt out there again and to hit the pavement.  I just may join Christy and her friend next week for their run around the Tustin sports park.  During our running conversation, I had a parallel conversation going on in my head.  I kept thinking, “Wow.  This is what being a woman is all about—sharing, encouraging, inspiring, supporting, inviting.”  I was really overwhelmed with the spirit that was there among the three of us—the spirit that women bring to the table when they are talking about things they are passionate about and sharing their life experiences to inspire and support one another.  It sounds cliché, this “women thing,” but it’s so true.  It has been a long time since I had a Girls Night Out.  I realized tonight how much I’ve missed the company of wonderful women friends lately. The couples thing is great, but Girls Night Out is something really special. 

Animals / Life / Passions — 1 Comment
9
Sep 08

Abigail Ranch Teer

Abby. Abigail. Abigirl. Abisquirrel. Squirrel.  Squirrelly. Missy Mou. Mouzi. Mouzi Mou. Kitty.  

This is the chronological sequence of Abby’s names over the past 16 years.  Don’t even ask.  It makes perfect sense to me.  Well, up to the break between Squirrelly and Missy Mou.  Even I can’t figure that one out. 

Just over a year ago, Abby’s formal, “legal” name revealed itself–Abigail Ranch Teer.  This name fits her perfectly–it’s regal in that independent cat kind of way and it captures the spirit of our kitty from the West.  Just over a year ago, John and I took a road trip up to the Santa Ynez valley.  We fell in love with the countryside and were day dreaming about buying a ranch in Santa Ynez one day.  We were taken with the seclusion, the gentle rolling hills, the windy roads, the proximity to the wine country, and the vast open spaces.  It was heaven.   We even began daydreaming about what we’d name our ranch.  In a moment of inspiration, John suggested Abigail Ranch, in honor of Abby.  Well, that was it.  Decision made.  And from that day forward, Abby became Abigail Ranch Teer.  Our beloved kitty, a 16-year part of our history, entwined with our dream for the future.

Abby is sitting right next to me, on my desk, right now.  That’s what inspired me to write about her tonight.  She has been my constant companion since that day in late May, 1992, when I adopted her (along with her brother Freddie) from the animal shelter in San Clemente.  It was a milestone day in my life.  Finally I was adult enough to get an animal of my own!  I had a home where I could have a pet and no parents to tell me no.  It was all MY decision!  16 years and 4 four months later, she is still by my side, every day.  And not a day goes by that I sit at my desk that she doesn’t jump up on it and sit next to me, often swatting her tail in my way, laying her rump on the corner of my key board or hanging her chin over my hand as I type (no kidding.)  Both annoying and sweet, she is a loyal, loving, patient, gentle companion.  She has seen me through thick and thin.  She is always there for me and seems to know exactly when I need a little extra TLC.  And now, she’s even won her way into John’s heart.  I think he’s even more love sick than me!  He loves on her every day and she eats it up.  Talk about a Daddy’s girl.  But she’s still my girl, my Abigirl.

Life / Passions — 2 Comments
8
Sep 08

Serendipity

Serendipity–the accidental discovery of something fortunate, pleasant, valuable, or useful

 Serendipity visited me today.  Twice. 

 Visit #1:  Thanks to my life coach, Janice (who you met on my September 5 post), John and I will be dining and enjoying jazz music, al fresco, at the Newport Beach Jazz Festival on September 26.  Janice read my Friday Nights! post (September 6).  It reminded her that she had four tickets to the festival that she couldn’t use.  (She and her husband are headed to Europe for a few weeks to finalize plans for their 2009 series of La Dolce Vita Retreats.)  Janice generously offered her tickets to us.  And guess what?  Those tickets are for a Friday Night.  Now John and I are set not only for a fabulous Friday night, but for a fabulous weekend, too.  Remember, for me, Great Friday nights = Great weekends.  How’s that for serendipity?

 

Visit #2:  This morning, Mary G (my affectionate name for one of my colleagues who is far more than just a colleague—but that’s for a separate post) drove me and another colleague to a meeting.  I chose to sit in the back seat despite the urgings of our colleague that I sit up front. (Hey, I’m the boss.  Everyone offers the boss the good seat.)  Nope, I wanted to sit in the back.  Next to me was a copy of the August issue of Redbook magazine.  Being the magazine lover that I am, I picked it up and started to flip through the shiny smooth pages.  Right at my finger tips was the article Serendipity wanted me to see, “Be the Author of Your Life”—a story of six women who described how starting their own blogs changed their lives. Inspiration, meant for me, delivered to me, right at my finger tips.  It sounds corny, but it’s true–my blog has already changed my life. 

 Yep, Serendipity can visit anytime she likes. 

Animals / Life / Passions — No Comments
7
Sep 08

Our Sunday Trip to the Dog Park

Today John and I took Rusty to the dog park in Laguna Beach.  Who came up with the idea of a dog park?  Whoever it is, he or she is brilliant.  It’s such a simple concept—a large fenced in park where dogs can roam free without a leash, run to their hearts content, visit with all kinds of new friends and take in all the wondrous smells a dog could possibly imagine.  I was sure Rusty would be most excited about being able to run at full pace without his leash. Or maybe with meeting some new dog friends.  Nope, not our dog.  He was beside himself with joy over the hundreds and thousands of new smells.  I thought for a minute he was going to go into shock!  We had to coax him into running around and meeting the other dogs.  Finally the smells got boring and he took advantage of the open space and ran and ran and played with some other pups, showing them who was boss.  I was especially impressed with how he held his ground with the large, dark brown Laboradoddle.  He took that alpha male stance, with is head up high, his tail and ears fully erect, with that, “Don’t mess with me” look in his eye.  And the Laboradoddle, who was easily ten times his size, ran away.  I got quite a chuckle out of that one. (And I was very proud too!)  Even John and I got into the fun of things and ran around a bit ourselves.  The sun was shining, all the dogs were happy as were all the humans.  What’s not to love about watching a bunch of dogs having a grand old time on a beautiful sunny afternoon?  So, we’ll probably be spending more time at the dog park.  It was good for all three of us.  Next time I’ll take my running shoes!

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